For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;
I am inspired always by the Lord’s word. The cause mentioned above is love unto the Spirit. But me? I spend my days in haste. I spend time in motions of survival. I am tired. I weep and I laugh. I am curious and I am wary. I love and I dislike. O how I hate to dislike. It is abrasive. At times I just need to shout, no, let me scream! Spiraling, I digress as I am really joyful on most days. Today is a day of thoughts.
Ever-watching is God and ever-listening is me. Ever-responding to the Lord’s voice is….well, me most of the time. We have a relationship. He has laid before me all wealth and love. He has provided for me. He has poured wisdom upon me and I soak it in like laying in a cool pool of water on a hot day. Immersed and in the His arms.
There is a path in my mind that runs from the tip of my toes (not even an inch behind), to the setting sun. It is my future, my destiny, my life laid before me. God gives me many visions and glimpses into places upon this path – even to my time of glory. There are many smiles, many surprises, and change awaiting. I see growth and I see my wife and I together for all time here and there on this earth. I seem to wait and bide time. How I wish I would participate in every moment. I may regret that someday…
For all that I see, the beauty and light, there are wrinkles in the road I walk upon. The enemy places crumbs of bread in a tidy trail – one after another. They spin off from the road’s center to the right and left like the arcs of subatomic particles at post-collision. Spin off right and fade, spin off left, fade. How do I see a clear future even as far as heaven, and still stop to follow a row of bread crumbs, nose to the ground? A paradox?
I almost feel it is under-appreciation for God’s grace sometimes. Each day after another is beautiful! I long to be upright and walking straight bathed in the adjectives and attributes that flow so eloquently from Paul’s heart:
I am made to focus on this moment. Yet I get so wound up in angst. It is in my genes. What once drinking medicated, I must let God fill.
Yet I forget.
I am sorry for this and that
My reasons for shortcomings are usually not that great
I shall remember: Such is our nature, I must go easy on myself.
The ramblings of a man in mid-life. I see mortality and I see immortality. I see death and birth. I trust God yet I walk aimlessly after crumbs of deception. It is life and I like life. I thank God I can see all this. If not, I spiral and careen to paths of emptiness. In His grace, I can love. O how I love the Lord and what He tells me through countless conversations and through His words for all ages in Scripture.
The pool of immersion. Bathing in cool water – head partway under water to drown out noise. Weightless and cradled in His arms. I know His love. I try and love others. This love breathes in and breathes out: ever-sustaining our lives. Smiles and laughing, tears and crying. All incite such a compassion. I can see the heart of those around me and it is the eyes of souls that meet. It is immersion in each moment, each conversation, each action. Under the water I hear nothing but the voice of God. He says it is good. That is good enough for me.
April 17, 2013